i went to the national library yesterday, the one near jurong point, and tried to borrow a book. i inserted my ezlink, and the screen said that assistance was required and i was to approach the counter. so i went over with the book and my card. the lady took my card and scanned it.
"oh, you are not registered you see."
" yeah, ok so what do i do have to do?"
"you... are a PR right?" (PR=permanent resident)
"yeah."
"okay you have to pay $10.50 to activate your account. but it's a one time payment only."
i looked at her.
"so if i'm a singaporean, i don't have to pay a thing?"
"no." she looked at me apologetically. "you can think about it first."
she returned me my card.
i thought for about 5 seconds. "nah it's okay."
kept my card and put back the book.

singaporeans, please cherish your privileges.

i guess being a PR makes me neither here nor there. so what if i was born here, am so singaporeanised, know the national anthem, the pledge (in chinese as well, might i add)and all those national day songs. cheh. my sister and i had a discussion that night, and she said, what to do, we are not foreign talent, and neither are we citizens of this place. we just have to take a back seat. yeah okay, our school fees are substantially lowered as compared to foreigners. nevermind that we didn't have edusave in our younger school days, we expected that. and it's okay that my teacher wrote a long testimonial for me as nomination for the singa award, not knowing i don't qualify cos i'm not a singaporean. it's okay.

what i cannot tolerate is being treated differently, by locals.
administrative rules are dead, but people are not. for the last 19 years i have lived as though i was a local, and was not treated differently. this semester i decided to take malay as an elective, thinking that since i am living, and will be living, in singapore for the long term, being able to converse in it must be quite a useful skill. i expected some doubts from the teacher cos of my indonesian name, knowing i probably had to clarify that i understand very minimal bahasa melayu/indonesia. chinese was my mother tongue in my schooling days, and i understand about a word in every malay sentence, at most.

the first lesson went okay, until the time came to take attendance. the cikgu squinted at my name (which, had a PR written next to it), looked at me and said: "dari mana?" which means where are you from? simple malay.
"oh from indonesia."
"do you understand malay?"
"sedikit." (which means a little)
he proceeded to ask me sth in malay i could not comprehend, but could tell he was worried, as expected.
so i said" oh it's ok, i was born here, and speak chinese at home. i dun understand much malay."
"but it's too easy for you!"
"no no, i took chinese in school."
"you sure ah."
"yes."

you would have thought things ended on that day. on the 2nd tutorial, he mentioned something about people who have taken malay for their O'levels and A'levels are not allowed to take this elective. i didn't think much of it, as it didn't apply to me. the time came for us to go forward to have our attendance taken (at the end of the lesson). he looked at me, and then at my name, then gave a sigh and said: "you still want to take malay???"
taken aback, i said "why do you not want to let me take malay??"
(context check: it was my long day, and i was having a very bad one, and was late for my next lesson)
"it'll be too easy for you!! they can check, you know!"
i was really, really agitated. "yeah, sure, go ahead, they can check. i was born here, and i took chinese and higher chinese." (i didn't shout, mind you, and was trying hard not to shake...i didn't sound as calm as the words look.)
i forgot what he said next.
but he ended with " okay okay, i won't discriminate you because of your name."
"thanks."
and i dashed off to my next class. to be very honest, i was holding back tears.

first, i was offended. so he thinks i was taking the easy way out. that is passing judgement on my character, and my values. and my moral standard. to make it sound nasty, he is trying to imply that i was going to cheat. not only that, that i was lying when i said i didn't understand malay. so, what happens now, if i turn out to be a fast learner in this class, does it attribute to my nationality? there was a chinese girl with a malay name in my elective class, but he let her go without saying anything. why is it so? maybe if i didn't have the 'PR' next to my name, he would have believed me. who knows.

i am still taking malay. it is still the same teacher. but the way i see him has changed. i try my best in class, my composition sucks, i take notes diligently, i can't even remember what fingers are called in melayu. i even smile a bit when he calls my name while taking attendance, and thank him with a terima kasih. he never questioned me anymore. but there is still that barrier...that i'm trying to break down...and that i wish didn't exist.

i am just trying to be like everyone else, and i only realised, in my 20th year here, that my blue i/c and that 'PR' attached to my name on namelists does make a difference. why do they need to have it there anyway???

the pledge says "...to build a democratic society, based on justice and equality. so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation." what does it mean to be equal? the society is not just built by citizens with a pink i/c, but by every single person in that place, that country. how do we show that we value each and every person?...

i have a blue i/c. the price for being different? $10.50.

and seriously, i don't want to pay.